2012

holy fuck, it's been a whole year.

earlier today i was looking back at when we started this thing in december 2009.

wow.

we've grown up so much. i can't vouch for you, but i can say this for myself: 2011 was the year i started feeling old. not old, per se, but mature. wiser? more (not) put together?

i've felt so much this year, and can't wait to experience more in the time to come. i've learned so much and have ultimately learned that i know nothing.

here's to a new year of: spontaneity, new and old friendships, good conversations, exciting opportunities, and stepping out of your comfort zone.

here's to going out and getting what you (i, we) want. to your health, to my health. to our prosperity and well-being. to love and forgiveness, and the spectrum of emotions that comes with that. to our highs and lows. to our friendship.

may God bless us and our families and everyone we come into contact with. everyone you meet changes you in the smallest of ways, i can definitely say that you've changed me.

happy New Year!

on so many levels

this.

Big/Little

Oh my Little!
She is so good.
I love her.
I wasn't her first and I wasn't expecting her,
BUT
(A big but)
She is everything I wanted in a little.
She is spunky and happy and very nice.
She is kind.
I knew her brother from high school (weird) but it doesn't really matter.
She made me a paddle.
It's all I could ask for.
It's classy and simple but not too simple.
Its what I wanted.
Its big but not too big.
I love it.
Sent from my BlackBerry® on the MetroPCS Network

in love with the world

it's nice to walk into a room where people were just saying good things about you.

it's nice to notice that someone's eyes light up every time they see you, and have other people notice it too.

it's nice to be introduced to someone new who says they've heard great things about you.

it's nice to have the absence of your presence noticed and missed.

i've been riding on a "life is great" wave for the past 2 weeks or so, and every interaction i've had with people on and off campus has been so meaningful in the most glorious way.

good day, good life

i've been having such a good day, starting with last night where the stress culture of the library was mitigated by having some of my favorite people around me, and one who held my hand through it all. i went to bed early and woke up early, went on a run, took an awesome shower, did my ling reading. went to ling class and felt pumped and inspired about what we were discussing and the fact that this is an actual area of study.

it feels like i've had these thoughts on language for as long as i can remember and now i know some linguistic jargon that makes it scientific and shit. how cool is that?!

then i went to psych and despite not having done the reading (a girl can only do so much in one day), i could completely contribute the conversation because hey!, human behavior is like animal behavior. and i learned all about umwelts and ontogeny last year, yeahh!

afterwards i went to lunch with my new boss. she is the best! and i'm not just saying this because she looks like me, has the same shoes and interests as me, oh, and did i mention i think she's me from the future?! she's so great! no awkward lulls in our conversation at all, it rocked. and we went shopping for binders after, she's a blessing, srsly.

ok, then, my perfect day was interrupted by twenty or so minutes of panicking over an upcoming test. BUT i ran into the best person at the best possible time, and she put an end to my worries and we laughed and had a heart to heart in the grass, in the sun.

i went to my neuro class, and definitely rocked that test on identifying structures and functions of a sheep brain. and i'm feeling sooo good about it!

now i'm going to tackle chemistry and i'm gonna get it and it's gonna be great!

yeah yeah YEAH!

mindfulness

i've been taking a meditation class sunday nights and so far, it's made a difference in how i approach my week, my day, my circumstances, my mind.

the type of meditation i've been doing is based on focusing on the present moment, noticing breathing patterns and the senses, and essentially just letting thoughts drift in your mind.

i usually have terrible mind noise, in that i'm always thinking of what i should do next, or what i should said that time, and in doing that i don't live in the present as fully as i should be.

basically: i'm a fan of this meditation business, it puts me a positive mind set.

we have homework assignments each week, and i thought it'd be fun to post them here:

week 1: what is this mind up to? upon what does it dwell, what is its shape, its color. Angry? Judgmental? Anxious? Drowsy? Daydreamy? To the past? To the future? How often are we truly present with what we are doing?

week 2: to pay attention to voices (description to come)

...

blessed

coming back to college this year was difficult. spending quality time with my family before my return affected me as it made me reconsider my school, and why it was so far away from the people i love. that combined with my anxiety towards the serious academic endeavors that i am about to take on this year truly made me doubt my college choice as i was at the airport, waiting for my flight, on the airplane, in the taxi coming back to campus. i prayed to God asking if i making the right choice that night.

this sounds lame now that it's written on this blog and not just words in my head, but i'll continue. when i woke up in my dorm room after my first night, i realized that i had envisioned myself in this room long before coming to reed, or even thinking about college. i recognized this room. i used to draw this exact room when i would make dream house sketches when i was little. a room with a closet with shelves in the corners, and a window seat where i could store and hide objects under, and windows next to my bed.

this combined with conversations i've had with professors and new and old friends have reaffirmed my faith in this place. the chalk on the sidewalk, the ice cream trucks and bounce houses, the dance parties with neon lights and glitter and pulsing music, the smell of the trees and green, the truly noteworthy discussions held in class, out of class, at 4am on the sidewalk, the energetic freshmen and friendly people abound, the great amenities of the tutoring and health center. i absolutely love this place. i know i was meant to be here, at this time in my life. i'm glad He allowed me to see that again.

nu ma nu ma iei

the numa numa song came up on my pandora, and it made me think of:

1. when it was stuck in my head for a week because one of the texts we were reading in hum featured a leader named numa who, coincidentally, threw crazy parties.

2. when my dorm was on our way to the ski-cabin and listening to an old mixtape that was left in our van's cd player, and suddenly the numa numa song (the original romanian version!) comes up and vicky and jess knew alll the words to it and were rocking out next to me. jess usually listens to only classical music...so this was quite a surprise.

love it when songs remind me of things.

edit:

i feel ridiculous having three posts in a row, so i'm just going to add this here.

i woke up at 4 am today to watch love actually. then went back to sleep. i totally had forgotten i did that, but i was in such a great mood for the rest of the day. it was like christmas time.

i love that movie. def one of my favorites.

boysboysboys

long & overdue milkshakes and toy story 3 with my boys tonight.

i shed a few tears, dad passed me tissues and used the word thnankyou (overused phrase my sisters and i used to say instead of "you're welcome").

made my brother cry when i pretended to text his teacher a picture of him in his underwear. baby.

sometimes i want to just fast forward life and be married and have kids. and watch them grow up. i think i'll make a great mom.

speaking of moms, i miss mine. this is the first time (since i was like 10 that she's left me, instead of me leaving her). we spoke with her today and told her we got a surprise "it's brown, had two tails, and it moves". we didn't tell her what it is. it's a ceiling fan, lol.

my neighbor's parents are gone for the weekend, and those slutty girls have had guys coming in and out of the house all day. eww, it's 1:47 am and i'm listening to a convo i don't want to be hearing from my balcony. go inside you guiyz.

i shouldn't judge though, i'm sure people have heard me say things that would make them believe what i'm thinking about these girls.

hmm, maybe not.

i miss waking up next to someone. true story. rebecca once told me that going to bed was the loneliest part of her day, followed by waking up. i remember rolling my eyes and thinking she was simply being her dramatic self. i understand now.

I Just Don't Understand

My parents are complicated.
I don't understand what they want from me.
I just don't.
First, my mother was all "family comes first".
And now she's all "I don't want you there and your dad doesn't either".
This is after I said yes.
I don't understand.
Is she doing it to make me feel better if I don't go?
I said I was.
She says I would be in a bad mood since I am being forced to go.
They aren't forcing me.
I want to go.
I just don't at the same time.
She says we will probably fight.
She says we WILL fight.
Am I so complicated that she prefers me far?
What does this say about me?
Why is this such a big deal?
Why did she have to go and make it such a big deal?
Why couldn't she just let it be?
Understand that if my initial decision of not going was wrong or egotistical or immature, then I will learn through my experience.
Not hers.
That if they can't compare my educational achievements with my brother's, then why compare their relationship with him to our's?
It's not fair.
I love her but she's being so difficult.
I guess our relationship is changing.
I just hope that not for the worse.
God forbid.
I just don't understand.
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a start and a close

it's the start of a new week.
with the exception of sundays, days never feel a certain way to me.
though i know many would beg to differ, mondays are the same as fridays as are tuesdays and saturdays.
sundays are the days that stand out:
they're this liminal time and space between the past and upcoming.
as well as a nice, tranquil present time.
this whole summer has felt like a string of never ending sundays.
between phone calls with friends in different time zones and kite flying and cooking experiments with friends at home, it's been a strangely amazing summer.
full of new experiences, new people.
sundays are a balanced day. a buffer to a hectic week.
in this same way, this summer has added a peaceful time after a busy year.

i made this playlist, it's pretty cliché, but i like it that way.

maybe you'll like it too.

an extra dose of somethin'

These almonds were at my cousin's wedding; the tag says that they each stand for fertility, happiness, health, (life) longevity, and prosperity. I ate all five, and had an extra one from someone else's bunch. My older sister gave me the extra one, she said it was a fertility almond, which she thought was hilarious because she thinks I'm going to be the first one married and the last one with kids. But I'd like to think it was a happiness almond. I think I'm going to try and start posting stuff every Sunday again, this blog makes me happy and I'm just trynn'a give it the lovin' it deserves.

This is funny.

The Intellectual Hippie
You love to help people, but usually find unconventional and subtle ways of doing it. You're fascinated by what the human mind is capable of creating, and seek the world for moments to enrich your life. You love psychology and philosophy. Your respect for all living beings makes you a humble and likeable person, and the biggest reward is when you get to impart your knowledge to those around you.

46% sociable, adventurous, outgoing, energetic
50% sympathetic, modest, compliant, forgiving
38% efficient, organized, thorough, self-disciplined
67% curious, unconventional, imaginative, artistic

My results of a picture personality test.
Whatever that means.

sleepover

sleepover should happen soon!

when i stay up late i'm usually reading and planning out my life

this upcoming week is hectic because:

1. my cousin ivette is getting married on saturday. MARRIED! it makes me feel old because i remember when she was in high school and i was in elementary school, i remember watching her get ready for her prom date, and seeing her stres through college, and then dating this guy who no one would have eveer expected her to marry. but it's happenin' and i'm accepting it.

2. i have loads of family coming for the wedding. in particular, my aunt (the one whose favorite niece i am is coming --those wrds sound off). my aunt holds me in such a high regard, that i stress out when she's here, because i feel like i always have to be on top of things. she thinks i'm too perfect. i hate it, i'm going to let her down sooner than... (i'm not very good at analogies, sooner than two things that usually happen in succession)

3. i'm expected to go to a friend's birthday party on thursday night. i've been to almost every single one of her birthday parties since the sixth grade, it's a regular part of my summer vacation. but things are different now. we're older, and suddenly roller skating, ice skating, pool, cupcakes and bracelet making aren't fun anymore; bring on the drinking (and probably drugs because her boyfriend is involved). oh god. i hate the idea of coming back home that night or most likely the next day to have my aunt ask me what happened. we had a pillow fight and watched movies? ah ha

4. i realized what a bad friend i had been to someone who was way too good of a friend to me, and i apologized. and now we're hanging out again and it's great! (not related to the hectic events, i know, but made me happier)

.......oh! the point of all this was that the sleepover has to happen, around these events/situations. so lemme know yo' schedule girrrl

ahhh and i think i figured out my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! maybe.

XX

Being a woman in construction is hard.

You are treated different than the men.

I understand, that there are both physical and mental differences between men and women but unless the woman explicitly says, "Treat me different", don't.

It is frustrating to see yourself in the same level as the men but you are treated differently because you are a girl.

It doesn't happen so much in the office environment but in the field/job site it does.

It is amusing at times but it can get annoying.

I had been going with a supervisor to a meeting that takes place in the jobsite every Tuesday for 3 weeks.

Then, on the fourth week, another intern comes along too.

A big, burly guy.

I looked like an elf compared to him.

He was goofy but tall and a guy.

That day the supervisor didn't direct himself to me.

Even though I had been going with him for three weeks and had an idea of what was happening, he kept talking to the guy.

Why?

He was a guy.

I was overshadowed.

A woman cannot walk buy without looks and whispers.

It just not possible.

Unless, she is absolutely hideous.

Then, maybe.

It's nice to be treated differently.

With more care.

More attention.

It gets old.

Especially, when you don't want to be treated like that.

Hopefully, time will change this.

Hopefully.

Oh wow.

Oh wow.

Every time you tell yourself the same lie.

"It's going to be different in (name future institution)".

"It's going to be different in middle school"

"It's going to be different in college"

"It's going to be different in the "real world"

It is never different.

The lies and fantasies that we make up for the future always come crashing down.

The dream that this time around things are going to be different shatters more often than a glass cup at my house.

(Let me tell you my mother and I are klutz).

Why is everything the same?

Why?

You think that the immaturity of high school/college are going to disappear once you start college/"real live".

They don't.

I just heard my 30-something co-workers mingling in the hallway talking about their "epic" night.

"Yo, I have NOOOO recollection of you during the night AT ALLLLL"

Giggle

"DUDEEEEEE, where was the car???? LIKEEEE, OH MY GODDD, we KNEWWWW we should have looked for it BEFOREEEEEE"

Racous laughter.

"OH MY GODD SO MUCH FUN"

"WHAT a weekend, MAAAAAAAN"

HAHAHAHAHAHAA.

Seriously?

This is worse than college.

At least, fuck it, it's college.

This just happened in the hallway.

Of a company.

At 10:26 am.

Mothereffingnessssss.

This was such a horrible wake up call.

Nothing changes.

Except the embarrassing factor.

College students are usually 18-20-somethings.

Aceptable age to be ridiculous.

30-something?

Not so much.

#Lame

re: Oh My

I have a cheesy story to accompany this song.
It involves this song playing in the hallway, and a certain boy with good timing walking down and trying to teach me to ballroom dance, then a dormie telling us to stop being so precious. Oh boy.

well, this is to you.

now shake it

i think, no, i KNOW that outkast's hey ya! is one of those songs that people many many years from now will still be listening to. it's like the beatles' twist and shout.

lend me some suga'. i am yo' neighbor.

these lyrics are so so so good.

Dirrty Pop!

Seeing a familiar face in a sea of unfamiliarity is so comforting.
So exciting.
It brings happiness when there was none.
Seeing a friend at my favorite lunch place was beyond exciting.
I now won't have to eat alone everyday.
I will have someone there.
A kind face.
A face that is also happy to see me.
It has just been a good day.
Listening to *NSYNC and Britney (Baby One More Time era).
It makes me want to dance.
And skip.
Which I have done.
Secretly.
When walking to my office.
When no one can see me.
It is so fun!
So mischievous.
Naughty.
I don't know why it is so liberating to do silly things in inappropriate places.
Like skipping in the office.
Or busting a move.
Or quietly singing along to the song.
It makes me so happy.
clap.clapclap.clap.
Step to the beat of my heart <3
Do it!
I wish I could express my silly giggles and silly mood in words.
Hopefully, I be gettin' doooonnnne.
Yeaaaa maaaaaaaan.

On Keeping A Notebook

I have just re-read the essay.

It was one of my favorites from the anthology.

I enjoyed reading because at some level I connected to it.

Being an avid journal keeper.

"Keepers of private notebooks are a different breed altogether, lonely and resistant re arrangers of things, anxious malcontents, children afflicted apparently at birth with some presentiment of loss".

I like that line.

I do.

I think it is true.

To some degree, most people that keep a journal are whiners.

Dreamers.

Haters.

It is the only place where I don't feel guilty for writing "I" many times.

Indiscriminately.

Without care of being judged as self centered.

Egotistical.

Me, myself and I.

Even in this blog I freak out if I see many "I"s.

There's evidence of my discomfort from seeing the letter too much.

Just check old posts.

-"That would be a different impulse entirely, an instinct for reality which I sometimes envy but do not possess."

She was speaking about people that keep journals about their daily doings.

I feel that this is true.

I keep a journal, not about my daily doings (I don't have the discipline to do so nor do I feel it would be exciting for me) but about my life.

What I mean is that I sort of summarize what's been happening and my feelings about it.

I consider myself a girl with a firm grip on reality so her author's comment makes sense to me.

Yet, I also write things that are not true.

Not reality.

Dreams.

Wishes.

Expectations.

Realism needs to be broken once in a while by fantasy.

I guess that's why I love science fiction.

Because they pretend to take from reality to make fantasy worlds.

There is some realism in the stories.

But also fantasy.

I have actually been bad toward my journals.

I have not written in quite a while.

I have forgotten about them.

But that's just how it works.

I've been uninspired.

Hopefully, this article has refilled my mind.

Oh my.

I've never been dedicated a love song.

I've never been dedicated any type of song.

I lied.

I just remembered that I have.

From friends.

Family.

I want to be dedicated a love song.

It sounds like it'd be nice.

 

forgetting to remember

last night i was rereading stories from 50 essays, and as you know, i came across "on keeping a notebook" by joan didion. usually when i like things i read in a book i highlight them. and i liked everything i read in this essay, but thought it would be a tad excessive if i highlighted each line.

so i've tried to pick my favorite one(s)...and i thought i'd post them here:

-In describing a notebook:

we are talking about something private, bits of the mind's string too short to use, an indiscriminate and erratic assemblage with meaning only for its marker. And sometimes the marker has difficulty with the meaning.

-Talking about notebooks being reminders of our past selves and keeping that person in check with our current self:

I think we are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us.

-My absolute favorite:

We forget all too soon the things we thought we could never forget.

mvmt

why is body language out to get me?

it tells me things about someone else, that i assume to be true

i act

i'm wrong

but in the acting it is revealed that my body language gave away exactly what i was about to do

i can't believe.

"it was so easy, and the words so sweet."

Work

Working girl.

That's what I am.

A working girl.

Woman.

Whatever.

For a week now.

One week.

Una semana.

I haven't done much and this bothers me.

A little bit.

I come to work to actually do what the title says.

Work.

I want to be put to usage.

Whether it be menial tasks or actual important tasks.

It don't make any difference to me.

Or to Kevin Michael, either.

I just wish my boss, (for lack of better word, 'cause he feels more like a supervisor; oh wait! supervisor) or now that I found the word supervisor, understood that.

I don't know.

I guess it is easier to have me watch the ceiling stay than explain to me the intricacies of his work.

Which could be done faster if he would just show me what to do.

But he doesn't.

He's not bad.

I'm just tired of doing nothing.

I really am.

BLAH.

Comment

Oh so very jealous.
Oh so very very jealous.
I've read about it.
I can't wait to hear stories of your experience.
How utterly and beautifully exciting.
Have fun!
<3


PS. Accept all the kisses offered.
Oh and other things too ;)
Sent from my BlackBerry® on the MetroPCS Network

just spray painted some shit gold

drums are practicing outside my window

glitter has started appearing on the sidewalk, dining hall, library lobby

stop making sense is tonight

the signs around campus say it all:

soon it will be renn fayre and i will kiss all of you

next blog >>

not sure what this blog is about.

came across it by clicking the next blog button.

quickly looked through pictures, and it seemed cool.

just wanted to share/remind myself to go back to it.

http://vidayluz.blogspot.com/?expref=next-blog

I am going to be an (fake!) aunt

My cousin is having a baby!
I'm so super excited.
I'm going to be an aunt!
I know.
He's only my cousin.
But well.....my brother and sister are not married or pregnant or anything.
Thus!
I will be this baby's aunt until my siblings have their babies.
Because a) I REALLY want a baby and b) I want to be an aunt!
Oh and also, God willing, he/she will be born in December.
This means only ONE thing.
He/she WILL be born December 2.
My birthday!
Hellooooo.
I'm obviously meant to be the aunt of this baby.
No joke.
We're going to go buy things for the baby!
How uber mega exciting!
I hate exclamation points but !!!!!!!!!!
Cause I'm that excited!
Even though, they are making me look like a dumb ass!
No matter!
I'm going to be an aunt!
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dayyyyYuUuMmm

today, for the first time in years (since the 2nd grade, i think), i ate a banana

i've had banana slices in foods, but not the whole fruit

i was feeling adventurous yesterday and so i bought one as i was leaving the dining hall

it sat in my room

and i craved it

but i couldn't bring myself to eat it.

i was too freaked out by it.

when i woke up today, i guess the courage grew overnight--

i ate the banana.

#stressfree

Ohh yesss, I think I JUST use Twitter slang.
This is bad.
Because,
Fact: I have no Twitter
And fact: I don't even know how Twitter slang works.
This means that I have conformed to things I am not part of.
I guess this says something about me.
A sad commentary I am sure.
I am in a happy moment in my life.
I have no tests to worry about.
Just the customary homework that I can handle.
It's great!
I'm a happy camper.
I wonder where that saying came from.
Why a camper?
Why not, I don't know, something else?
Witticisms ain't coming to my head.
It's not my fault.
My brain is fried.
Sent from my BlackBerry® on the MetroPCS Network

inhale exhale

the culmination of hell week?

the moment when you go into your french professor's office to talk about a paper you turned in where you're pretty sure you analyzed the whole play incorrectly for 7 pages so you expect to be reprimanded and instead you encounter praise. he loves your paper and your insightful contributions to the class and how you've grown as a french writer and he tells you about his life and asks about yours. and you come out ecstatic, almost on the verge of tears, this language is yours. and the cherry blossom trees have blossomed, plants are turning green and yellow and pink again, and the sun has come out, and you're coming back to life again.

you just have to write this last paper tonight and then everything will be right again.

5 pm. that's it.

breathe.

i am. i am. i am.

Mi cabezita no se quiere concentrar

I have to study for a test. Instead I have been doing everything to not study. I am not an avid facebook user. Yet, I've been using facebook like crazy. Doesn't help that there's cute boys that should be talking to me. It doesn't. It doesn't help that I can't seem to focus. That I care a little but not too much. I should care more but I can't! Why, oh, why? I feel like Danny from Grease. I understand how he felt when Sandy left him in that drive in. Except not really he was a little too touchy. Still, I get him I guess. But I am not touching anybody though. I ain't. At least no girls. Girls gots cooties. I wonder if I ever believed that boys had cooties. Probably not. Cooties is such a dumb word, anyway! For real. God!

estas mal de la cabeza

disoriented and in a sweat i awoke
to look in the mirror and find silver, glittering rings around my eyes,
my heavy blush was smeared onto my pillow case;
his jeans were on my floor
as well as his t-shirt, dress shirt, belt, coat, and baseball cap;
adorned with my tights and bra.
no, it's not what you think.
last night the roles were reversed in a campus wide called entitled "Drag Ball."
the ladies went as dudes.
the men went as femmes.
as with any dance occasion the process of getting ready proved to be more enthralling than the actual dance itself.

so many things were wrong about that night, however, i can't even pin it down.
starting from friday night where i found myself in a bathtub, helping a guy friend shave his legs
(he decided that if he was going to a lady he'd go all out, of course)
then saturday night came, and i couldn't find anything to wear.
in distress i called upon my guy friend who offered his entire closet to me.
he issued me a disclaimer that most of his clothing was androgynous, if i was going for the macho man look.
in an attempt at modesty, i tried on the first outfit in his empty roommate's room
several outfits later i was undressing and redressing in his room as we conversed as we normally would.
now that i think about it, that was out of character for me.
is this the source of the strange feeling?
i want to say no, i'm just extremely comfortable around him
still it's something i usually wouldn't do.

next strange feeling i recall:
seeing my guy friend in my dress, in heels, in a bra.
doing his makeup made me realize what a beautiful face structure he has
somewhere in between painting his nails and applying mascara and eyeliner i found a new appreciation for him.
just wish that happened under different circumstances.
we took pictures as dates going off to dances usually do
my arm around his waist, his arm on my shoulder.
wait, now that i think about it, that's wrong too..

strangest feeling of them all:
leaving home with 4 people (2 females as males, 2 males as ladiez) whom i had seen gradually be transformed into the opposite sex and walking into a dance hall full of crossed dressed people.
i'd look at one person and think it was a girl i knew, but it was actually a boy i hadn't met.
or when a presumed man walked up to me and made conversation for a while before i realized that it was one of my girl friends.
and couples went as reversed couples, and they tried so hard to fit the other role
it made me very uncomfortable.
it felt surreal. in a sense of the word that i've never thought of before. definitely surreal.
the other girl i had gone with–who was now a dude–shared the feeling.
we decided to leave before an hour was up, because the disorienting feeling was just so uncomfortable.
it made us wonder what that says about us; why the feeling, only appearances and behaviors were reversed?
gawd, i also really hated it when other people complimented my date.
^ seeing that written out made me laugh, i sound like a jealous man.

i think it was the fact that i had seen my date and my two other friends slowly make the transition into the sex that made them being male/female, female/male much less disarming, darling, than it was walking into a room where i knew some people but they were already disguised thus making it difficult to discern who was who.

and so i awoke this morning, still in a state of slight discomfort and confusion.
i don't think i'm doing that again next year.
maybe i'll dress up because that was fun, but i won't go to the dance.
at the end of the night, though, my two guy friends made it a point to say how much they now appreciate all that women do to get ready.

got pink and black and blue

remember this song? i've been jammin' out to it all day and thinking about the way the guy says strawberries.

i propose a skype session sometime tomorrow? (friday)

<3

Here's to sharing!

http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2011/03/09/dining/20110309-MODERNIST.html

jdfnjdfl, idk

i just saw this and really liked it:

there are times when you'll realize people have taught you things you should have never learned

i can't lie

i wanted to respond to the hyperbole and a half link that you put up, but i didn't know what to say.

i didn't know how to write this in a comment response to the post without it being long.

i wanted to say thank you for sharing the site with me (slash/ our audience), but that i had already seen the site/knew about it.

i wanted to say that i liked that you liked the comics on there, but i'm just not as entertained by those specific comics.

i didn't know how to find a medium between telling you that i appreciate you putting it up, but it's just not my cup of tea.

and i guess i just found the way.

I once was in a school fight. I was, really. Yup, this girl who seems like she doesn't even know what a fist is.The girl who looks like she is 15, but is really 20.

Yup, me.

I was once in a school fight. Three against me. One dos tres vs. lil' ol' me. Except I wasn't little, but ya know. Anyway, I guess I should give a background on why the fight started. Well, this happened when I was 8 years old and still living in Colombia. We had to have P.E. classes at least twice a week. One of the times, it was just a normal P.E. class but then for the other weekly class, the school I was in decided it was smart to separate the girls and boys and make the girls P.E. class a dance class. We had no say in this, which is unfortunate because I would have NEVER picked dance class. I'm not a good dancer and I just never was, plus boys were better than girls. Anyway, on that fateful day, we were in dance class. All the girls in the grade. The school was a very small private school and these girls were the same girls I had started in day care. So, we were in dance class and we were on a break. I was talking to my group of friends, who weren't exactly popular, and the other group of girls (the popular ones) were talking on the other side. We were frenemies, me and them. The reason why is another completely different story. One of the popular girls, I think her name was Carolina (or something like that), decides that it was a good move to come and taunt us. So she did. She came over and started to taunt us. I have a very short,explosive temper but I didn't say anything. At first, at least. The other popular girls joined in. My friends at this point decide to run away but I guess I missed the memo because I was left behind. At this point, my beautiful temper is going to come out. In the midst of their dumb taunts, I respond with a very clever insult. Basically, a "fuck you" but in little kid terms. One of the girls decided that my insult was not going to roll with them, yo. So, then they latch onto my hair.

They start to pull, and bite and kick. Remember how I said my temper is explosive? Well, I started kicking and biting and pulling back. I grabbed hair and ears and faces. The teacher at this point is still God knows where. So, I keep on fighting the three girls. It was so fun. I'm not going to be a hypocrite and say it wasn't. Because it was. So fun. Not even kidding. While in the midst of basically me trying to rip off a girl's ear and the other two girl's hair, the teacher walks in. She breaks apart the fight and holds me back. I was not done with them. But she held me back.

The Carolina's girl ear is red as a tomato and the other two are screaming that they were going to need wigs now. I was just still angry. Angry because 1) I wasn't done with them and 2) MY scalp hurt too but you didn't hear me screaming about wigs and such. At this point, the teacher decides that it is ALL my fault. My bad self procured the fight and my baddddd self needed to be punished. Except, I guess she thought I didn't really need punishment so much as a psychologist. So that's what she did. She sent me to the school psychologist. Oh and the school called my parents. The school psychologist told me that beating other girls was bad and that I shouldn't be so angry and that blah blah blah. I really don't remember much but just sitting there thinking about the fight. And how proud I was of me for kicking their popular butts. And how I loved seeing that Carolina girl's red ear. And the other two holding their head. And how annoying the psychologist was being. My parents were actually proud of me too. OK, maybe not proud but relieved that they hadn't raised a coward. I think I got yelled at by my mom but not before she said, "you go girl". Come to think of it, it was actually not a bad experience at all :)

That's the story of my first (and hopefully last) fist fight.

I don't know

If you've checked the blog in the last couple of days (yesterday), you
probably noticed that I posted a link to another blog.
Well, I did.
If you hadn't noticed it.
Ive been reading it non stop because it is absolutely hilarious.
I really hope you enjoy it because it wouldn't be as good if you didn't.
This has made me think.
This blog has become my bitch.
Pardon the language.
I've lately used it to whine about this and about that.
That's not fun.
That's not good.
I have my um, *cough* diaries for that.
Oh God.
Yeah.
Well, it's true.
It's better than whining to friends.
They WILL get annoyed by it and then hate you.
So, yeah, I use my diaries to whine.
Yeah, it's good.
Yeah.
So, I will stop.
But now thinking about it, I mean, I don't know if I can stop.
Oh shit.
This post now became useless.
Ugh.
I'm disgusted.
By myself.
Also, I think I have to rethink this whole not using paragraphs thing.
I think I tolerate paragraphs now.
Hmmmmm, I think I will use them now.
Crazy.
Paragaphs rule!
I think.

I hope you like it

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/

damn bacon

bacon has quickly become an ever-present theme in my life.
i can count the instances in which i have tried bacon on less than one hand.
i don't like the taste of it, i don't like the smell of it, i don't like the idea of it either.
i've attended and was a participant in a bacon fest, in which teams competed in an "iron chef" type college reality, making dishes inspired by bacon.
i have a friend who has bacon and tofu (the anti-bacon) action figures.
and three times. three separate times, the fire alarm has been set off in my building because of someone overcookin' bacon.
three.
and they don't even happen in the morning, when you'd expect it too.
they happen around 11PM, who srsly eats bacon at that hour?
i'd be upset if i was sleeping and the fire alarm woke me up.
thank god i don't go to bed early, like some people...
it decides to go off, though, when i'm in the shower.
and then i must proceed to step outside, in my towel, in the cold.

making sure that merry still goes round

today i am going back,
back to that time-pre 7th grade- when valentine's day was fun for all.
when we'd make mailboxes and decorate them with pink and red to our liking
then we'd become paradoxical, in that we attempted to personalize generic cards.
each person would receive one, though, that was the point.
chocolates and heart candies always attached.
the weird boy and the well-liked girl would get the same number of cards.
one from everyone; one for everyone.

\ˈchānj\

Things change so quickly.
I think this is something everyone should understand.
Planned things are not etched in stone.
Things change.
Things change quickly.
One thing can make everything change.
I always say God willing for the same reason.
You never know what He wants for your life.
What you will go through.
Plans are so flimsy.
One day you have a younger brother.
The next, you have a younger brother and an older sister.
One day you're planning what to wear to your mom's celebration.
The next you are planning what to wear to your uncle's funeral.
The future is so uncertain.
So blurry and mysterious.
God keeps me from living my life as a nervous wreck.
I think the changes, expected and unexpected, makes us stronger.
At least, I hope they do.
I don't know if I am making sense.
I hope I am.
All I want to say is that things unexpected change.
And it is important to know and understand this.
Embrace it and cope with it.
Whether it be good or bad changes.
Change.
What a heavy word.

tripped and documented

My first week is off to a good start. I can't believe it's only been a week. It already feels like I've been here for ages.
Highlight of my week: going to a cat show
No not cats the show, a cat show. Pageant.
It was one of the strangest experiences I've had thus far.
This was such an odd weekend. It consisted of Trainspotting and Meet the Parents in a friend's room, followed by jenga and jigsaw puzzles. Then putting Christmas lights back up with Rebecca on Saturday and watching clueless in our living room and falling asleep there. And poppy seeds and more lights and glitter and kittens and outloud readings of Plato and washing spoons in the bathroom and panda videos and instant oatmeal and walks to closed gardens.
Family? Family.

My Brother

When my brother was little, he used to start doing his homework at 7.
He got home at 3:30 but wouldn't start until 7.
Because his teachers always said, "this is your homework for tonight..."
If he started before 7, it wasn't night.
Sent from my BlackBerry® on the MetroPCS Network

1+1-1

I think I lost a friend.
I think I did.
I have spoken about her before.
She was the unconventionally conventional girl.
The amazing girlwoman who spiced up my life.
Made me a better person.
The friend whom I love.
She was so slippery to begin with.
So hard to get a hold of.
So hard to find.
Now, she is lost.
Lost to us.
My friend and I thought we knew her.
Apparently, we knew her less that the other girl we thought we knew.
The one whom I lost but did not care.
I do not know what to do to recuperate her friendship.
See, she joined a sorority.
A bad, bad, bad one.
I'm not hating on sororities.
I am part of one myself.
Yet, I have not been engulfed by it.
It has been an addition to my life.
Not my life.
It has made her change in ways my friend and I find embarrassing.
Unclassy.
Un-her.
I hope she has not had to do things she hates.
Feels ashamed of.
I think about her a lot.
I hope she's OK.
I just don't know what to do.
I don't know if she cares about my friendship still.
I care.
Really I do.
I am just lost in what to do.
I miss her.
So much.
So we are two.
abcdefghijkLmNopqrstuvwxyz.

He'll

I am feeling this huge surge of personal strength.
Decision.
Assertiveness.
The "what the hell" attitude.
The "what have I got to lose" feeling.
The "I only live once" reason.
The "what's life without a little embarrassment" motto.
The "What's the worse that could happen?" mantra.
The "I don't think anyone has died of embarrassment" reassurance.
At least, I don't think anyone has.
Hopefully.
I need to research that before I do anything drastic.
My life could be in danger here.
Huge danger.
Life or death.
So, I should look into that.
Oh, and what am I speaking about?
Yes, I'm being a dumb girl again.
I'm speaking about this boy.
A boy I've been wanting to talk to since last semester.
A boy that I happen to see every Tuesday and Thursday.
Not in a class.
The lobby of the engineering center, a.k.a ec.
It's a bit awkward because we never talked in class.
But hell (I hate it how this thing always "corrects" hell with he'll), I am tired of not doing anything.
Of not going for what I want.
This extends beyond meaningless boys (even if they are cute!).
I'm talking about my life.
I'm not assertive enough.
I'm so shy.
So nervous.
I have no reason to be.
I am strengthened through God.
I am not deformed.
I am a capable girlwoman.
I need to burst out of my shell and start taking charge of some things.
Yes, I do.

Sent from my iPad

up in the air

Things I like/have noted about airports (I write this as I sit in jfk and my fligt has been delayed, once again):
- they're religious places. Flying in itself is a religious experience. I can almost always expect to see someone cross themselves or hold onto a cross pendant as we are takig off. This may have to do with the physical closeness flying brings us to heaven, it may just have to do with fear.
-they're places of lonliness as well as conviviality. You see some people putting up their defenses and sitting, eating, reading, surfing the web by themselves. You see others trying to get someone elses attention, in a desperate attempt to make a very temporarily temporary friend.
-jfk is by far my favorite airport. Handsdown beats mia, pdx, lag, lba, sdq, mad, fll, fco, zsa, ord, den...I really like memorizing airport codes

Things I noticed/wrote while on the airplane:
-it's always good to talk to the person sitting next to you. Right now there's an empty seat in between me and this young man and we were joking about how we were gonna take turns sleeping on it...we ended up putting our coats on it. This airplane is about 40 percent empty. Riiiiidiculous (in that way kanye says it)
-my flight to Portland from new York is exactly six hours, if you add the two hours and fifteen minutes that it took to get to new York it is eight hours and fifteen minutes total travel time. 8hrs15mins. Am I really ready to travel that much at least four times a year? (it could be eight if I really wanted to go back to Florida for those on between breaks)   

mother dearest

I read this article (http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html) entitled " Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior" and I didn't know what to think. I heard the end of an interview with this article's writer, Amy Chua, earlier this week and she was not making the same argument that she seemed to have made in this article. She was backing down a little and kept saying that she didn't mean it as a comment on Chinese mothers as a whole but rather as a comment/reflection on her own parenting style and experiences with that.
As upset as I was with this article, I suppose there is some validity in it, though it definitely is a sweeping generalization (fallacy, ms Scott!). That being said, I feel like the methods mrs chua used are not entirely exclusive to Chinese mothers. I can say that my own mom, a Latin American mother, lived up to chua's policies concerning sleepovers, theatre, instrument practices, grades, and body fat. She upheld these policies until she saw how it hurt us, her daughters. Mrs Chua's children must been either a) really emotionally strong or b) unhappy wight their lives to the point of their mother ignoring their unhappiness.
Anyway; I came here to say that and that I'm a bit disappointed in the writer. She was bold enough to write this, kudos to her, but I'm weary ( is that the word I'm looking for) of how she suddenly seems to be backing down from her argument after getting all this criticism/praise. Now I'm going to make a generalization and say that I feel that women do this/ are more prone to do this than their male counterparts and it really upsets me. We need stronger women in the world. I guess it all goes back to those lines that I'm constantly thinking of in the Heidi Chronicles:
heidi- actually, I was wondering what mothers teach their sons that they never bother to tell their daughters
scoop- what do you mean?
heidi- I mean, why the fuck are you so confident?

And I guess sometimes we forget that mothers are daughters too.
Readers, please comment if you have any thoughts, criticisms, remarks or reflections on this. (no, those words do not mean the same thing.)

Ms. Sunshine

I got a text from you today.
It made my day.
I was happy to know that our e-mail exchange has helped you.
Me.
They're therapeutic like this blog.
Journals are nice and everything but you are basically talking to yourself.
Emails and blogs at least give you an audience.
It gives it a little human warmth.
A hope that someone out there cares what we say.
Anyway, it brought a little light to my day.
I've have free time.
Free time to think.
I shouldn't think so much.
It is not healthy.
Doubts and insecurities float up and dampen my spirit.
This all goes back to my personality.
I am a little melancholic.
It's natural, I guess.
I take these times with stride and hope that they won't last.
They really aren't fun.

Sent from my iPad

desperate housewife? metaphor gone too far?

lately i've been feeling like a thirty-something year old housewife.

the kind that drop their children off at school in the morning,

go home, workout, take baths, run errands, go shopping and shopping and shopping--

i mean, after all, it is your hard working husband's money you are spending--

then i pick up the kids and watch a soap opera (read:gilmore girls).

like a young emily Gilmore, that's what i feel like.

i articulated these feelings to matt, who laughed at me and proceeded to tell me i'm on my way to becoming a shopaholic. it's not MY fault i received a million gift cards for christmas, and they must be used, right?.

and then night comes, and i watch the news, and read my books for class that start soon[!!] (btw, Socrates was SUCH A COOL GUY), and fall asleep..

when i left for reed it felt like i was putting my life on hold and going on a vacation. somewhere along the line, i'm not sure where, the vacation spot became home. now, i feel like my life is back there and it is on hold and i'm on vacation here, as a housewife in the suburbs with nothing to do but complain about her great life. arhhggggg

also/ i heard our president say this and decided i want to practice law. what?

We should be civil because we want to live up to the example of public servants like John Roll and Gabby Giffords, who knew first and foremost that we are all Americans, and that we can question each other’s ideas without questioning each other’s love of country and that our task, working together, is to constantly widen the circle of our concern so that we bequeath the American Dream to future generations.

love this

we are all Americans, [...] we can question each other’s ideas without questioning each other’s love of country and [...] our task, working together, is to constantly widen the circle of our concern so that we bequeath the American Dream to future generations

Dear A,

You are currently here...in the same city as me. I miss writing emails to you. This, by no means, indicates that I don't like you being here. I really like you here. It's just so great. Still, writing emails seems to be therapeutic. Since you are here, however, I am going to write it on the blog. So here's the deal: I am followed by people that I do not find physically appealing. I know. It is terrible but I just cannot help being a little superficial. I mean, I am single. Anyway, it is not looking good in that department. Let me show you why. Yesterday, in my dynamics class, I saw the typical engineering center boys. Unclean and unappealing. The professor was her hilarious self though. Anyway, in my differentials class it did not get any better. Neither did it get better in my computer class. Yet! (because, yes, there is a yet!) There is still hope. There was this one weirdly cute guy in my philosophy class and also I didn't have a good look at everyone in my other classes. I didn't notice the cute guy in my physics class last semester until a little bit into the semester. I feel like such a dumb girl saying all of this but w-h-a-t,ever (when you read that it is important that you spell the what in whatever. I feel that it gives it attitude. Thank you). My differentials professor is such a nerd. I think I like him. It wasn't like my calc tres professor who did not seem to have much of a personality. I'm watching a police show and I just can't help finding uniforms so extremely appealing. Anyway, I just don't want to babble ridiculousness and stupidity anymore. Thus, I will end this here now.

With love, your friend who is a little nutty at times,
L

Ps. I was thinking about it and I really enjoyed Annie Hall. Thank you!

Sent from my iPad

And the magic disappears...

Oh, yes.
First two day of classes done with.
I enjoy the first two days of classes.
The uncertainty of new professors.
New classmates.
New rooms.
It's always so fun.
Nervewracking.
I will always be nervous the first day of classes.
Butterflies and expectations.
I just can't help it.
When I was younger, it was worse.
It started days before the first day of classes.
I used to have nightmares of different ways in which the first day of school could go wrong.
One time I dreamt that I was wearing the crispest shirt with the fliest shoes but I was not wearing my uniform skirt.
It wasn't nice.
Kind of freaked me out a little.
I just wished the magic of the first two days wouldn't disappear.
Like footprints in the sand.
Or frozen yogurt.
It would make everything so much better.
Really it would.

Sent from my iPad

confortable

quite possibly the comfiest my bed has ever looked.

levity

youtube videos/songs that perfectly capture the last couple of months:

collective disordered talk

in the dark of the night, alone in the car, alone on the road;

in that no voices i desired to listen to on the radio, i made my own voice pronounced.

recreating the year, month by month, i recounted the story of 2010.

the moments of stress, frustrations, anxieties,

and those of bliss and ecstasy that made everything right again.

i've never believed in resolutions.

i just cannot fathom how a person decides to act in a certain manner for the remainder of a year because [s]he is a person. a living, changing person. constantly learning, evolving, seeing life from a new perspective. resolutions, to me, seem stifling to the very nature of the human spirit. how can you grow if you're expecting yourself to act the same way for the time it takes the earth to revolve around the sun.

i thought. or rather, talked to myself about this as i took the long, winding road home.

instead of resolutions, i gathered observations about myself from this year:

1. i'm happiest when i'm doing what i love. and i love school. i truly enjoy learning. it's nerdy and i don't care. i knew this about myself but i really knew it after talking with other people about their first semester college experiences.

2. i like being in motion. dancing. walking. skipping. running. i'm absolutely fascinated by my [or any human] body and how it moves. i think it's really fucking cool.

3. i'm surprisingly opinionated. though often worried about hurting others by expressing those opinions whenever they are uncalled for. it's a terrible thing. like being a charitable smoker: you give away all your cigarettes, then what are you left with. except i guess in my case i'm keeping most of them to myself, and only giving out the necessary ones. although, i've learned that being polite is often times overrated and sometimes you have to hurt people.

4. i both astound and confuse myself in social situations. i guess i hold a warped image of myself in my mind as the shy 12 year old i used to be, but i'm kind of a social butterfly. oh god, i'm embarrassed by the word and the fact that i'm using, still there is no other way to put it. i'm really not as awkward as i make myself out to be in my head. interesting.

a final observation i made as i sat in the car, parked in the driveway– because the car ride was finally over and i still had things to talk about. not about myself necessarily (i apologize for the obscene number of times i've used the word 'i' here. i don't usually like talking about myself), but about something i've learned this year...or these in these past 5 months to be exact:

home is such a loaded word.

New Year/Whole Year

Oh hey hey.
We have completed a year of blogging.
Un año completo.
Yes.
This is a big deal!
We have not giving up on this.
We have endured, succeeded.
I think this is a good thing.
Yes, it is a good thing.
I don't think I've kept up with something for so long.
Never mind, I lied.
I've kept up with my journals.
But well, this is also good.
I also wish to comment on this new year.
That was a VERY awkward way of stating that.
I wont erase it.
I'm starting to appreciate its awkwardness.
So anyway, this year.
It is a new year.
I am terribly enjoying the fact that a new semester starts.
A new semester full of surprises.
New things.
I will repeat my first class.
I will get my first internship (God willing, of course!).
I will be 21.
This is a good year.
A year of awesomeness.
A year were the foundation, our foundation, will become huge.
(By the way, VISIT: www.funpavi.org)
Yeah.
I'm feeling good about this.
(Even my room started clean!)
Oh hey hey, this is good.