collective disordered talk

in the dark of the night, alone in the car, alone on the road;

in that no voices i desired to listen to on the radio, i made my own voice pronounced.

recreating the year, month by month, i recounted the story of 2010.

the moments of stress, frustrations, anxieties,

and those of bliss and ecstasy that made everything right again.

i've never believed in resolutions.

i just cannot fathom how a person decides to act in a certain manner for the remainder of a year because [s]he is a person. a living, changing person. constantly learning, evolving, seeing life from a new perspective. resolutions, to me, seem stifling to the very nature of the human spirit. how can you grow if you're expecting yourself to act the same way for the time it takes the earth to revolve around the sun.

i thought. or rather, talked to myself about this as i took the long, winding road home.

instead of resolutions, i gathered observations about myself from this year:

1. i'm happiest when i'm doing what i love. and i love school. i truly enjoy learning. it's nerdy and i don't care. i knew this about myself but i really knew it after talking with other people about their first semester college experiences.

2. i like being in motion. dancing. walking. skipping. running. i'm absolutely fascinated by my [or any human] body and how it moves. i think it's really fucking cool.

3. i'm surprisingly opinionated. though often worried about hurting others by expressing those opinions whenever they are uncalled for. it's a terrible thing. like being a charitable smoker: you give away all your cigarettes, then what are you left with. except i guess in my case i'm keeping most of them to myself, and only giving out the necessary ones. although, i've learned that being polite is often times overrated and sometimes you have to hurt people.

4. i both astound and confuse myself in social situations. i guess i hold a warped image of myself in my mind as the shy 12 year old i used to be, but i'm kind of a social butterfly. oh god, i'm embarrassed by the word and the fact that i'm using, still there is no other way to put it. i'm really not as awkward as i make myself out to be in my head. interesting.

a final observation i made as i sat in the car, parked in the driveway– because the car ride was finally over and i still had things to talk about. not about myself necessarily (i apologize for the obscene number of times i've used the word 'i' here. i don't usually like talking about myself), but about something i've learned this year...or these in these past 5 months to be exact:

home is such a loaded word.