associations, part deux.

yesterday this proved to be an effective use of a break and a precursor to productivity. sometimes i think people in the US overemphasize productivity. where's the happiness and other ~stuff~ essential to Humans. valuable lessons i learn i never write down yet i probably should. i worry that i'll forget things that were once important to me. i oftentimes have the feeling that i should be doing things. i am working against that culture. i am doing what needs to be done until natural breaks come. i try to treat school like my job. sometimes i wonder how happy i'd be with a job where no mind effort is necessary. none. i don't yet have an answer. i don't usually have answers. especially in high intensity situations where insults are flying. i never have an answer. i can always brush it off though. brush it off and bounce back.

I don't learn...

...again I gave my number and again, it wasn't used.

Lame.

word association.

what's in my best interest. relaxed day to day of the pacific northwest meets the buzzing of east coast urgency. emergency--when do you decide to go see a doctor. the pain is going away though. the last one i saw told me i wasn't ready but commended me for waiting. patiently waiting, waiting, waiting. this morning i took a walk with a boy i babysit waiting for mom to come home. home holds such a transient meaning for me. right now it feels like here but who knows where the next few months will take me. life is full of exciting/scary as fuck choices. anxiety arises in strange contexts. the retrospective kind being the worst. i still remember that time my book project fell apart in front of the seventh grade classroom. all things fall apart, that was a book. i told him about it last night. we laid there for hours. what's the difference between laziness and comfort.  

Hump Day, Fun Day

I made it to Wednesday.
I made it.
Monday seems like a dream.
A nightmare.
Like it didn't happen.
Monday was horrible.
But I made it.
I actually made it and that is what counts.
I am here.
I am alive.
I did it.
Thank God

Ready or Not...Here I Come

I wasn't ready.

Woke up today and I wasn't ready to be Laura today.

Was not ready to face the world.

The ugly world that won't leave me alone.

Let me be.

I wasn't ready and it showed.

Got to work and I felt so sad.

It kept growing, my sadness.

Kind of like those toys that you put in water and they grow.

My sadness kept swelling and swelling.

Swelling and swelling.

Until I couldn't hold it anymore.

It exploded like a volcano and I had to run to the restroom.

It became so much that I couldn't stand up.

I thought, "ew restroom floor" but it didn't matter I sat down.

I cried.

I cried.

I tried to stop since you can hear whatever is going in the restroom.

The harder I tried, the harder I cried.

Messaged my mom.

She understands the sadness.

She understands and told me to cry.

Crying is good she said.

So I cried some more.

Then, I stopped.

I thought I was ready.

I faced the office, went to my cubicle.

I wasn't ready.

So, I ran to the restroom and cried some more.

I tried again to face the world and the world won.

So I ran to my car.

The safety of my car.

It worked!

I cried and I stopped and I faced the world.

I'm still fragile but the sadness is not so overwhelming anymore.

It's just there.

I hope it goes away.

Hide and Seek

I wish I could be like a little girl again.
A little girl that believes that you become invisible if you close your eyes.
That hiding behind a skinny tree will make you invisible to everyone.
I wish I could just hide forever and never have to come out.
I'm feeling extremely sad.
And this time I know why.
My melancholy personality doesn't really help me in times like this.
I want to wallow in my sadness but I have no time.
I have no time to be sad.
No time to cry and not be asked why.
Crying lets me get rid of sadness.
I guess I'm not making much sense right now.
I don't even understand myself too much either at this moment. 
Why can't I just go away and hide?
That's exactly what I'm feeling.
But it's not really a feeling.
I just want to hide.
Hide for a little bit.
Hide and not be found.