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yesterday i forgot how old i was, does that ever happen to you?
27. i'm newly 27?
i wonder if it will keep getting harder to remember
is that why you don't ask someone's age - so that you don't put them through the embarrassment of not remembering?
i have a cousin who has been 25 since i can remember. she's actually probably closer to 40 at this point, but no one knows
even her mom seems to have forgotten.
blog, you have not been forgotten, only shoved to the side
how old is this blog?
10. a little over 10 years?

therapy

i also started going to therapy in 2018

and i also started leading therapy in 2018

being on both sides is hard

being on both sides is an honor

i enjoy being able to play such an intimate role in my clients' lives and not know the outcome, because sometimes their thoughts the following week are unrelated to last week's sessions

i enjoy being able to tell someone my thoughts, feelings, and actions and have input that confirms what i was thinking or maybe is totally new and groundbreaking

being able to know and not know 

being able to share and know when to hold back

therapy is special

tomorrow i find out where i will be placed next year for my clinical work

and i am SO excited

it'll determine so much: where i live, where max lives, where my new home will be

Therapy.

I've been going to Therapy for almost a year now. It'll be 10 months in January. I first went to Therapy because I had a little bit of a meltdown during my trip to Italy. I had a fight with my mom that ended in a heart to heart and the realization that I couldnt push Therapy away anymore.

So I called the therapist that treated my mom and dad and went to my first visit. 

And my second. 

And my third.

And now I am here. 

Therapy has helped me tremendously. I've come to understand why I am how I am. I have learned tools to dealing with my issues.

However, I still dread going to therapy. I dread it so much. It gives me anxiety. 

Sometimes, I wish I would have never gone.

Sometimes, I envy those that have never been to therapy. 

Sometimes, I just wanna go back to when I was naive and uninformed. 

I always end up feeling guilty and even worse for thinking this. And I dig myself a bigger hole of self pity. Here I am with all these tools and I dont want to use them. 

I hate conflict. I hate conflict with people. With myself. I hate opening up. I hate having to deal with emotions because it's easier not to. I hate having to put words to my feelings. I hate feeling bad. 

Anxious. 

Hurt. 

Deceited. 

Let down.

Grieve.

Sad.

Angry. 

My parents always taught me that my emotions shouldn't control my actions. I think I took that to heart and just shunned all my feelings. 

My hatred with emotions and feelings runs so deep. 

It's not hatred. It's fear. 

I fear emotions and feelings and it runs so deep. 

I don't watch romantic movies. I don't like reading anything except for sci-fi and non-fiction. I don't like writing and I'm not good at it. I don't like sappy songs. I don't like conflict. I don't like pets. I dislike Christmas and Thanksgiving. The list just goes on. Basically forever. God, even my automatic response to everything is "I'm fine." "It'll be fine." Regardless of whether I will actually be fine or everything is actually fine. 

Why am I like this?

I just wish I wasn't and everything was actually fine. 

Will I ever be fine?

I wish I knew. 

KILLING ME, BRO

I feel like I need to start by stating the following:
I love my boyfriend. 
I really do. 
BUT. 
Because there is a but. 
There's always a but.
Butt. 
Tehehe. 
Anyway. 
But it is a lot of work having a boyfriend. 
So much work. 
I mean, you have to care about their feelings. 
And other things. 
He is really sensitive. 
Which some people would be all about. 
Except that I am not sensitive. 
At all. 
So, we clash. 
And it sucks because I have to be careful with a) WHAT and b) HOW I say things. 
Case in point: last Friday after movies and dinner, I asked him on the way back , "do you want to go home?" He thought I was asking him to go back to his parent's house. I literally only meant if he wanted to come back to the apt or go out to a bar. Instead of asking, "what do you mean?" (Shout out to my man Biebs), he got offended and it became a fight. 
So annoying.
FUCKING KILLING ME, BRO. 
Another thing is that he likes to plan things out. 
I do too but he takes it to an extreme. 
He thinks planning something 3 days in advance is not enough time. 
He gets real upset if plans change. 
FUCKING KILLING ME, BRO. 
Today, we had been talking on the phone for an hour.
He says, "I love you...good bye"
So, I say "okay, bye....I (pause) lovee youu"
I hang up.
Get a call two seconds later..."why did you hang up like that? You didn't even say good bye after I love you. Where you in a rush to hang up?"
FUCKING KILLING ME, BRO.
Fuck.
I need patience.
Please, God, give me patience.
I love him.
But give me patience.

Update 05/03/2017-
Quick background story: sister and toddler nephew came to visit for the weekend left yesterday. I was sad. I went to work but I was sad. Talking to the Boyfriend and he asks me how my day went. I say "meh whatever I was just sad because my sister left"
He says
(please hold on tight to your chair)
He says that that statement made him feel useless because it seems that now that my sister is gone I have to go back to my normal, boring life and people and that I won't be happy without her here. He says that his feelings were hurt.
All I said was I was sad because my sister left.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
I know I can't be crazy for thinking that his statement is ridiculous.
Jesus Christ.
Give me Patience.

I'm probably going to be fine

I'm meeting his parents.
The guy I met.
The guy from the post below.
I'm quite nervous.
It'll be fine.
Yes.
Well...probably.

Ay Dios

I met this guy a few months ago.
He's a little awkward.
A little weird.
So cute.
We've been seeing each other a little bit.
Once a week or so.
We talk every day.
I told him that I wasn't very comfortable with relationships.
He understood.
Hasn't asked me about it.
Even though his mom calls me his girlfriend.
I haven't met her but apparently she knows about me.
Well, anyway, he's on vacation for a week.
No cell phone.
And guess what?
I miss him.
I miss him and I realize that I'll be okay.
Just Nike.
Right?

Revision 08/19/2016: 

Don't Nike.

I like him but I don't feel bad flirting with other guys or thinking about hanging out with them. 

Eek.

perspective

re post belw: "I need a boyfriend so that I can have someone to accompany me to all the fun things I want to do."
i think it's funny bc i'm always like: I need more girl friends so that I can have someone to accompany me to all the fun girly things I want to do.
guess u always want what u dont have

fuck i messed up another nail

im impatient